New Shoes

Sometimes a new pair of shoes 
Is only a new pair of shoes. 
Sometimes it's a new horizon 
And a reason to keep on walking.

Staring Back

March 18, 2017

6:58am - at the end of a long graveyard shift.

Every week is the same.
Every single week is the same.
Five days a week I hate my name.

I hate my life and
What I've become.
I can't stand the mirror anymore. There's no life left
Behind those eyes that once
Saw beauty in all things.

There's only fear, hunger and pain.
I'm living a hollow version
Of what most people would call
An
Empty
Existence.

I'm spiraling out of control,
Darker and deeper
With every turn,
Every loss,
Every failure.

I'm not who I once was.
I'm cold
I'm tired
I'm hungry
I'm empty
It seems the only thing I'm not....
Is me.

Panhandle

I'm considering taking on a second job 

As a pan handler. 

The hours work well 

With my primary job,
And from what I understand, 

The pay is a lot better 

Than what I'm currently making
While working my tail end off. 

However, 

Most pan handlers I see 

Are more overweight than I am. 

I may have to gain a few lbs.

Sir

Sir, 

Do you ever get tired of 

People working so hard 

To kiss your backside 

That they end up with sore knees 

And chapped lips? 

Sir,

It seems to me 

An awful lot of people
Work exceptionally hard

For long hours specifically to 

Hide shit from you.

Prodigy

Just woke up from a horrible dream.
I had been kidnapped once more, 

Only this time I was a young child 

In a forced labor camp
Out in the desert. 

 When finally I had 

Hoarded away enough clothing 

And a pair of shoes 

For a run through the desert, 

I took off on foot. 

The first house I came to

Parents were bathing their 

One armed piano prodigy 

Child in dirt. 

They offered me a place to hide

In a cellar with canned peaches

And walls of dirt and stone.    

When the alarm went off 

I was terrified.
I didn't know which way to run. 

Nowhere was safe.
Nowhere IS safe. 

Rollercoaster

Life is a mysterious ride, 

Live it to the fullest 

Enjoy every moment. 

You may get turned 

Upside down 

Once in a while, 

But it's better than 

Having the ride end suddenly, 

Or to pitch your body from the car 

To land in a bloody heap below.

Him

March 2010
(This was written about the man who would later betray my trust and force me into sexual slavery.)

The old feelings are really there. 
They're back in full force and growing stronger. 
I didn't think that was possible, 
But there they are. 
It's like the 6 years didn't even pass. 

Fighting for Life

If you're not willing to fight for your life, 

It only means
You have nothing and no one in your life 

You believe 

Might ever be worth fighting for.
You might

Want to change a few things. 

Not Satisfied

I'm no longer ok with not having enough to get by.

I'm not ok with not being able to buy the food I need, 

like chicken, turkey, or fresh fruits and vegetables. 

I'm dissatisfied with my inability to provide a decent living for myself. 

So as I take a massive chomp out of this apple, 

I'm laying down some ground rules. 

It's time to start fixing things. 

Not that I haven't been trying for months already, 

But "trying" is no longer good enough.