Million Loves

"I've fallen in love
A million times.

But I've fallen out
A million and one."

Two Full Time

I live my life on company time.
Sold my soul for the company dime.
All work now, no play?
What would dear Jack say?

Steve

Say what you want,
Do what you dare.
I knew that you'd never
"Always be there."

New Shoes

Sometimes a new pair of shoes 
Is only a new pair of shoes. 
Sometimes it's a new horizon 
And a reason to keep on walking.

Staring Back

March 18, 2017

6:58am - at the end of a long graveyard shift.

Every week is the same.
Every single week is the same.
Five days a week I hate my name.

I hate my life and
What I've become.
I can't stand the mirror anymore. There's no life left
Behind those eyes that once
Saw beauty in all things.

There's only fear, hunger and pain.
I'm living a hollow version
Of what most people would call
An
Empty
Existence.

I'm spiraling out of control,
Darker and deeper
With every turn,
Every loss,
Every failure.

I'm not who I once was.
I'm cold
I'm tired
I'm hungry
I'm empty
It seems the only thing I'm not....
Is me.

Panhandle

I'm considering taking on a second job 

As a pan handler. 

The hours work well 

With my primary job,
And from what I understand, 

The pay is a lot better 

Than what I'm currently making
While working my tail end off. 

However, 

Most pan handlers I see 

Are more overweight than I am. 

I may have to gain a few lbs.

Sir

Sir, 

Do you ever get tired of 

People working so hard 

To kiss your backside 

That they end up with sore knees 

And chapped lips? 

Sir,

It seems to me 

An awful lot of people
Work exceptionally hard

For long hours specifically to 

Hide shit from you.

Prodigy

Just woke up from a horrible dream.
I had been kidnapped once more, 

Only this time I was a young child 

In a forced labor camp
Out in the desert. 

 When finally I had 

Hoarded away enough clothing 

And a pair of shoes 

For a run through the desert, 

I took off on foot. 

The first house I came to

Parents were bathing their 

One armed piano prodigy 

Child in dirt. 

They offered me a place to hide

In a cellar with canned peaches

And walls of dirt and stone.    

When the alarm went off 

I was terrified.
I didn't know which way to run. 

Nowhere was safe.
Nowhere IS safe. 

Rollercoaster

Life is a mysterious ride, 

Live it to the fullest 

Enjoy every moment. 

You may get turned 

Upside down 

Once in a while, 

But it's better than 

Having the ride end suddenly, 

Or to pitch your body from the car 

To land in a bloody heap below.

Him

March 2010
(This was written about the man who would later betray my trust and force me into sexual slavery.)

The old feelings are really there. 
They're back in full force and growing stronger. 
I didn't think that was possible, 
But there they are. 
It's like the 6 years didn't even pass. 

Fighting for Life

If you're not willing to fight for your life, 

It only means
You have nothing and no one in your life 

You believe 

Might ever be worth fighting for.
You might

Want to change a few things. 

Not Satisfied

I'm no longer ok with not having enough to get by.

I'm not ok with not being able to buy the food I need, 

like chicken, turkey, or fresh fruits and vegetables. 

I'm dissatisfied with my inability to provide a decent living for myself. 

So as I take a massive chomp out of this apple, 

I'm laying down some ground rules. 

It's time to start fixing things. 

Not that I haven't been trying for months already, 

But "trying" is no longer good enough.

I Wonder

Sometimes...
I wonder...
Is it worth it at all?
How can I keep going on like this?
Why should I bother?
WHY do I hurt so much,
And only hurt those I love?

Erin

She was my friend.
And while I would miss her
Were she to leave, 

I know I already do.

There would be no change change 

From any emotion I already suffer 

On her behalf. 

I wish her the best,
With no hard feelings, 

But I'll not let her back in
To hurt me again. 

I learned that lesson the hard way 

Far too many times. 

She's not dead to me, 

But our friendship finally is. 

Still we miss the dead for some time 

After they have been buried. 

The end of a friendship is no different. 

Maybe I've buried it,
But I doubt I'll ever not miss it 

When so fondly recalled. 

After all, what is a friendship 

If not the delivery of a new life 

Onto our paths to delight our senses -
No matter how brief or sustained? 

And what is death 

If not those who remain among the living 

Spending their time grieving the loss 

Of that delightful, sparkling joy
Brought all too briefly 

Into our lives? 

She was the miracle I needed, 

Delivered at the right time,
And ripped away 

When I had grown almost accustomed 

To having her there. 

She will remain that miracle, 

If in memory alone. 

But her friendship is 

Yet another casualty of my life. 

All attempts made to the contrary 

Have failed.

My friend is gone,

Just as though 

The shroud of death 

Had taken her away.

Ego

I learned something today.
Ego maniacs can come up with
The most inventive ways
To waste time.

Cancerous People

Cutting people out of our lives
For indiscretions
Or hurtful actions
Is like cutting off your arm
Because it has an incurable cancer.
You know you're going to miss them,
And for a while it will be an inconvenience,
But in the end life goes on.
We do what we must.

Not Hot

Most women don't find

"Hot"
To be a compliment. 

Perhaps some of the younger girls do,
Those with bruised egos

Low self-esteem,

Reliant on strangers compliments

For their own opinions.

But women and ladies
Do not. 

I gave you an opportunity
To correct your mistake
And tried to do it with humor. 

I am neither a spice 

Nor a temperature reading.

Lunchtime Vacation

Sometimes on my lunch break
I'll go to Google Earth and
Click on "random"
Only to find myself near tears
Over yet another place
I'll never get to visit.
I've always wanted to go to Maui.
Today my eyes sting with tears
Over the inability to explore
As I've always wanted to do.
Today my Lunchtime travels
Took me to:
Maui
The Sunshine Coast
the Ajanta Caves
and Havelock Island.
All places
That I will likely
Never get to see.

Catty Girl

I knew a "catty" little girl
When I was growing up.
Nothing could make her happy.

If she found that she
Was jealous at all
Suddenly she got really catty.

She was a beast,
A true monster
If jealous of anyone at all.

She pretended to be
My very best friend
But tried to make me feel small.

She put me down
And called me names
Until I was in tears

But now when she tries
I sit back and laugh -
Still the same after all these years.

Grow up Little Girl,
Pathetic and small.
You'll never be better than me.

Keep on trying.
Just - keep it up!
Show us how pathetic you can be.

You're full of lies.
You hate the world.
I'm sorry you can't be happy.

I just hope
Your cute little kids
Don't grow up to be so CATTY!!

Milestones

When Milestones are reached

Celebrations should be held!

The year is but 3 months in

And already I've excelled!

I began to write again,

More seriously than before.

I've even started painting

And I'm creative once more.

I've been all the way

To Colorado and back

With a crazy female roommate

And her tiny little black cat.

I flew off to London

And took a train to France.

I wandered through the streets alone

Where an Egyptian asked me to dance.

I took public transportation

For the first time ever, ALONE!

I danced on the banks of Seine

With a freedom I've never known.

I saved and bought a car,

The exact one I really wanted.

That was a first, I'll freely admit.

(I'm prepared to be taunted.)

It took me years, but lesson learned,

I know now how to let go.

Another one I needed to know,

Was how and when to say no.

I touched the walls of the Louvre museum

And stood beneath the Eiffel Tower.

I returned just in time

For a man to give me a flower.

I finally gave up the cigarettes

(With some professional aid)

I worked hard day and night

To help to plan a parade.

I walked the bright red carpet in a gown

To the Animation Awards event

Where I walked with two chaperones

Both  the perfect gent.

I helped a friend to face his fears

Of being all alone.

I learned it's not such a horrible thing

To end up on my own.

I went to church with a friend

The first time in 10 years.

While there I figured out

How to open heart and ears.

I walked away from a poisoned heart,

One I once called a friend.

I figured out how to let go,

And to make it end.

I told the world my name -

Told about the Title I hold.

I'm the noble Lady Blackwood, see,

Previously a secret untold.

I've saved a couple lives this year -

Dogs and cats at the Rescue.

And just think, right now,

It's MARCH, the year is still new!

I'll keep right on going

With this forward momentum.

I'm so proud of all I've done

Marching to my own drum!